I lay there..................

I lay there, bloody and broken, shattered and shaken. Every single breath I took, was like a dose of life going down my throat, but the effort itself was sucking the very life out of me, ten times faster. The whole process of respiration and the subsequent functions of the throat and lungs felt like completely turned around. I dint want to breathe but I was too chicken to NOT do so. Every single limb of mine ached, and ached beyond measure. My one hand felt like ripping off the other and one leg wanted to do the same to the other. Even my eyes were bloody. Every goddamn thing was SO full of pain. No one beat me up nor did I meet with an accident. But it happened to me and now, I was lonely. Alone. All fucking alone!

I looked all around and it was an ugly fucking dustbin of this world with filthy fucking people, faking a smile here and faking a fuck there. I could tell, no one here is satisfied, no one’s happy, no one’s at peace. Every one is just fucked up, one way or, the other. But I tried searching that bin for help, real hard. I dint know how it looked, but I looked on. With all that pain up my ass, I did not relent; I looked for help, for someone. I became desperate for help, for someone, to rescue me. But it was only a bin, full of filth n shit. Filthy n shitty people with not a fucking idea! I started running, frantically. I was running so fast that I dint give a fuck. I broke my leg, my hand, my nose, my head but I persevered on. I ran for Saviour, for love, for someone.

And then she came. She was there n she was real. She smiled n that smile killed me. She smiled n I was adrenalized, blood started flowing within me in turbulent proportions, again. My heart started beating, again. Pain gave way to pleasure. I looked around and it was the most beautiful place on earth. It had mountains, sea, flowers all of them together. It was raining, it was snowing and the sun was shining too, real bright. It was the prettiest fucking place on earth, or wherever the fuck it was. But that face of hers was prettier. It was magical, exuding magic and purity. That childlike innocent eyes had a gaze that slashed my chest n blew my heart into pieces. I was drenching in cold water but I still dint give a shit. I was recovering. I was not lonely. I had found someone. Someone to love, to take care of!

That pretty thing was so awesome that I wanted to hide the sun, cover the sky with bright stars, to make it night n to look at her n keep looking at her till I go insane. It had been only a few seconds, or years. I dint know but it felt like it had only begun. And then she smiled and I died. And then she smiled again and it killed me again. It happened over a thousand times, but I craved on, for that death, for that smile, for her.

And then the world shook n she disappeared. I shouted, I yelled but not a single sound came out of my mouth. I went mute. But the world continued shaking, vibrating. I was clueless. Then I just lost focus. I just lost myself. And now, everything went dead dark. There was no one, no world, no rain, no mountains, no me, no fucking dustbin. Nothing! Pitch black. Holy hell! But amidst that darkness n blackness, that vibration continued. Periodical, like some musical note but without ANY sound! And then I heard someone calling my name out loud. MOHIT. MOHIT. MOHIT. MOHIT.

N then I got up. My stupid phone was vibrating n my friend from college was calling. I put on a smile, got ready n left for college. I dint fake it, I really smiled. Thinking! Thinking about not being lonely, about someone, about reality, about my dream, about wishing, too much.

Hurdles: -

Everyday begins & then it ends. Promises are made and then forgotten. Hearts are won & then, BROKEN! Circles. Fucking vicious circles.

I know I’ve turned on the cool lately with the whole serious shit I’ve been posting over here. In retrospect, how very un-cool WAS it?? It WASN’T even me. It was so USUAL. {There I go again. THAT’S turning it on, LOOSER!} Holding on to that thought, what the hell is wrong with being usual? On the contrary, “usual “ leads to satisfaction. {Literally, metaphorically AND [wait]…SEXUALLY… muahahahahaahahaha} Then why is there this eternal quest for being different, this struggle for thinking, doing, DOING (u know what m talking bout…muahahahaha) and feeling different? Coming to think of it, why the hell did I start this blog in the first place?? I can’t write for shit, can’t study for shit, can’t fucking fuck for shit! What m I doing the whole day! What have I done in the 20 odd years of my shitty existence that can even remotely b given a lousy second thought?

Do I give a damn? Hell, NO! What I must do concerns me and only me. It’s mine to b thought about and to be done. And do it, by god I will. No matter the nature and number of hurdles (Shoving in some poetry…. number and nature of “thorns” in my fucking “paths”. Who even TALKS like that?? Like seriously. Fuck this and fuck you too!)

Narcissism didn’t fail the greats they just screwed up! Who wants greatness ANYWAY! (Muahahahaha)

The moment of realisation, of truth!

Poets don’t bullshit. They don’t write surreal stuff to achieve nirvana. They virtually hold you by the neck and throw you into an oceanic world of reality, the reality that’s unreal to most, that most are running away from, making you think, again. It’s the reality that drives you insane n you are good being away from it, very far. It’s the reality that’s a bitch! (They talk sense and they do it well.)

That’s the way AND will of God, the way of righteousness, the way I don’t like it, the way I choke, not to death but only to unbelievable pain in my heart, & mind.

I thought I’d fought well, won the battles and, the war. I thought I’d fortified myself well enough. But it came down crashing in on me in that wonderful little moment. That glistening look killed, the thoughts and me. It wasn’t even full-fledged, almost only a sigh signaling that it isn’t over, till its over. It was a sigh that sucked all the air around me leaving me momentarily breathless, and lifeless. I was there when I wasn’t coz then it was two of me. And for that splendid moment of realization, this me dictated terms, this me that didn’t want to fight in the first place, that had immense largess. It was I, the looser, momentarily. And in that breathlessness, & lifelessness, I lived again. All fucking over again!